Past Stories: Where are my children?

Note: Written in past tense - August 2008. Near There. Or near there. Or maybe near there. All I know is that they are on the road with my parents heading to LA for a 4 day/3 night vacation. Bittersweet. Scared until they return safely in my arms and happy to spend a few days with the husband. Whether we are working on the house, eating dinner, watching TV or going to the bathroom - we will get to do it in peace and quiet. Wait a second....phone is ringing....Merced. They are leaving Merced. So far so good. They are happy and healthy as of 2 minutes ago. And in those two minutes the fear of tragedy has returned. Here are a few ideas I gave my parents: keep lane changing to a minumum, drive the speed limit, and call every hour or so. Of course, it is a bit much but you have my "double dose of happiness" in your hands. My goal is to enjoy the quietness of the house.

Family Quirks

Here are 10 quirky things that many people may not know about the family....

1. The husband is 21 years older than me. I am one lucky person. He loves me for me. He cooks. Loads the dishwasher. Washes his own clothes. Lets me sleep in on Saturdays. And gives me back rubs.

2. I rarely cook dinner for the family. Between him and my mother, all the criticism has left me a bit jittery in the kitchen. At the utterance of a word, I will automatically conclude that I am doing something wrong. Wrong Pan. Wrong Utensil. Wrong Setting. Wrong Sized Porportions. And the list goes on and on. But believe me when I say... cooking 10% of the time works for me.

3. My OCD will leave me anxious somedays. To the point, I will not want to leave the house.

4. I am a Type A personality. Feeling organized is a great feeling.

5. My parents live within miles of me. My kids love their grandparents. I would not change a thing.

6. I secretly hope to find a group of life long friends that hang out together for games, small chit-chat, dinner, and sleepovers.

7. I am an only child that wishes I had a sister or brother. I was 9 years old banging at my parents bedroom door yelling, "I really want a sister or brother. Please can I have one." In reply, I hear from my parents "(giggling) We are trying to give you one." To which I begun begging, "Please, I'm serious. I really really want a sister or brother. Why can't I have one?"

8. Spent my summers with aunts, uncles, and cousins.

9. I went to a private school from 5th to 8th grade.

10. Got married for about $140. Perfect in my eyes.

Past Stories: Throwing My Back Out

Note: Written in past tense - January 2009. In honor of my broken leg, I will reminisce about the last time I held the position...family supervisor. Or we could say my back is throwing me out of the moving game!!! I am officially done with lifting boxes for the next few days. This is just a perfect way to start off the year. For the record, Steve, my dear husband needs to take my answer to his question seriously. No means no. Not yes. "Can you lift the dryer one more time?"...uh..."No, I think I pulled something." "Yes, you can just one more time. Lift with the knees. I just need your help one more time." "Fine." Of course, as I lifted a short quick pain shot through my back...I had graduated from a minor pull to a state of uselessness. And believe when I say the ceiling is quite boring to stare at for hours on end...but the good news is I am no longer floor bound. My couch is quite comfy if I do not move... On the bright side, I was promoted to lazy supervisor...point and direct. That should teach my husband the meaning of NO.

Don't Break A Leg...

Ok...if you need to at least try for a mid to proximal fibula break. Apparently, this is the million dollar break such as the million dollar wound. And we all know, I was dying to win the lottery. So in the midst of admiring my goal (a mental snapshot of the ball hitting the net) the 6 ft, 200 + lb goalie finished his slide-tackle by bull- dozing my right leg. In 3 weeks, my fancy custom made black cast will be removed. ***************************************************************************** Just think, June 3, 2008 I was so thankful that it was not my leg that had a broken tibia and fibula. Don't break a leg! A widely known phrase for good luck on broadway but definitely not good to use before adult soccer games especially co-ed soccer games. If I had made the opposite decision a half second earlier it could of been my left leg. Instead it was Patti's poor leg. I had enough experience to know when a guy is going for the offensive rocket shot on goal or the defensive rocket clear out. My foot/ankle has unfortunately been in the wrong place at the wrong time more than once. One incidence was a guy shooting on goal during an indoor game. His kick left a 3 1/2 inch diameter bruise that took over a year to heal. I thought for sure it was fractured at the time. In November of the following year, you could still see the discoloration. Needless to say there was also a calcium build-up on the bone that remained for 2 years. Another incidence involved a guy clearing out a ball. My ankle was about a 1/4 inch from the ball. So as he kicked the ball....the ball hit my ankle....and my ankle popped. Thank goodness the pop was ligament related and not bone breaking related. I will take a sprained ankle any day compared to a broken leg. All this brought me to 6/3/08...at that moment, a decision of whether to block the shot or not was quickly made. I thought about the possible outcome and his actual chance to score (small goal for a 6 vs 6 game). At that moment, I decided not to plant my foot in front of the ball. I was going to let him have his chance. BUT as he took the shot Patti planted her foot there to block it. I had no idea she was back on defense right behind me. It resulted in an instant break of the right leg (tibia and fibula). A break that doctors associate with car crashes. To spare you nasty details lets just say after Kelli and I got her to the hospital it was realized that she needed surgery. BTW, for complicated reasons her health insurance had expired 2 days prior...when it rains it pours... Thankfully her friends stepped up and we all made a generous donation towards her surgery.

Depression Lurks In The Dark

For months, my mind has been slowing regressing into the darkness. Situations are bothering me more and more. Urges to throw shoes away. Urges to wash my children. Urges to sleep. Urges to eat. Urges to hide. I need to see my psychiatrist. I hope there is a fix for this. I need a turn-up pronto.

Past Stories: T-Ball and Keven

Note: Written in past tense - January 2008.

Yesterday we signed Keven up for T-Ball. Not something I was entirely looking forward to due to the amount of dirt it involves ... the sliding, the dust, the dirty pants, the dirty hat, the dirty shirt, the dirty shoes, the dirty Keven. Breathe in - Breathe out. Repeat. I need to remember Keven needs to be a kid, it will make him happy. What is 3 months of mental hell anyway compared to my son's happiness? Just ask Steve. I am completely terrific to live with ... there is no where else he would rather be. And for the BIG NEWS - Kindergarten Registration was completed today. He will have to focus on learning in school and at home. Homework will be the best part of our night. Start your homework, please. I don't want to mom. Keven, please do your homework. But moooom, I'm tired. Keven, kindergartners need to do their homework so the teacher knows how smart they are. (tears are forming) But, mom ... I can't do it, I'm sweaty mom, I have a headdick. Apparently, doing anything academic wise causes him to be sick. Great times are definitely going to be had by all ...

As of today, Keven is focusing on swimming and soccer not baseball. Darn it. And we are improving on the homework situation. Now he only has a sweating problem. Apparently thinking is a physical activity.

Living Vicariously Through Adoption Stories

From the time I was a 12 or so, I can remember wanting to help unfortunate people, parentless children, and third world countries. I dreamed about helping them to experience happiness through simple everyday things I can and do take for granted. Even as a child, I could sense that life is too short to take for granted. At 12, I cried knowing that my parents would die. That with all the years ahead of me, it would never seem like enough. That it would pass me by in a blink of an eye. And now, I am here at 32 with my own children knowing that the next 20 years will be as short as the last 20.

Wanting to provide a better life for children consumes my life. I can waste hours reading family blogs that chronicle their journey through adoption. As I read the blogs, I envy their choice to take a road less travelled in terms of building a family. By reading the words, I feel the happiness they feel as they meet their child for the first time by picture and in person. Holding them. Kissing them. Smelling them. Wrapping yourself around them to embrace all that is them. Heart. Mind. And Soul. And since I can not decide, a perfect option would be a 4 year old and a 11-14 year old. A child needs a chance at a better life. A child yearns for parents to love them unconditionally. A child wants a home. A child wants to be embraced with love from a mom and dad.

Of course, I truly believe my OCD will effect my ability of being a good mom to more kiddos. Therefore, I love reading about the happiness of other adoptive families.

Determined to Succeed ... Isabel

Again, we hit a phase of determination. At about 14 months, she was determined to put her shoes on by herself. Two hours later she let me help her but not for a lack of trying. At 19 months, it was the pajama pants that was causing the stubborness. She had to be the one who got her pants on ... frustrated she could't do it and frustrated because I tried to help. It was a lose-lose situation if you ask me...

Fast forward to the present...she is still that same cute, adorable, sassy, stubborn, and loving little angle. She can rationalize anything she wants to do with somewhat logical thinking for a 4 1/2 year old. It is amazing what she comes up with in order to explain her actions even if we say no.

Past Stories: Isabel's Words at 21 months

I miss all the cuteness that comes with a toddler. So I decided to reminisce about all the words and phrases she was saying at approximately 22 months. All I had to do was search through my collection of pictures, schoolwork, and notes safely stored in the cabinet patiently waiting to be entered into a scrapbook. Of course, I may not get to it until the little hoodlums are like 19, 12 and 9.

Words:
1. da da (daddy)
2. na na (grandma and sometime used for mommy)
3. ish (fish)
4. ba bye
5. mahr (more)
6. mai da da (my daddy)
7. ba ba (bottle)
8. sho (shoe)
9. bratha (brother)
10. oggie (doggie)
11. wuff wuff
12. hah hah (hot hot - usually in a whisper)
13. col (cold)
14. boh (bowl)
15. dat (that)
16. tis (this)
17. cah (car)
18. pa pa (grandpa)
19. haa (hat)
20. bay- ee (blankie)
21. ha-o (hello)
22. saca (soccer)
23. chacla (chocolate)

Phrases:
1. No Autin
2. Hi Autin
3. My bla bla (blanket)
4. Lets go
5. Let go
6. Go get it
7. Sit down
8. Dada, lay down
9. Close it
10. No, dipa (diaper)
11. Mama, sit down

Learning to Sleep, Again!

Ahh...the regeneration of energy that sleep brings when it is done right. As a child, I could sleep anywhere and through anything, as is, the Tv. Sleeping is pure bliss for me especially with my freaking OCDatic (my new word) mind. Sleeping gives my mind a break (aka "a vacation from my internal hell). At times i need to get away from myself.

Ever since I had Keven sleeping a full night is a rare occurrence. Since Jan 1 2011, I have slept a full night around 8 times in which the last 3 have been consecutive. It normally is 2-4 hours at a time. Just as my dad has done for years, I get up to use the computer, watch Tv or eat. So of course my days are exhausting, frustrating, and stressful. How can they not be with 2 kiddos? I was getting to the point of asking my doc for sleeping pills. However there was a simple answer I refused to except for a long time....getting rid of my security blanket (ok ok shutting the stupid tv off). As long as I can remember, I hated laying awake in a dark room with me, myself and I.

But now, a good happy day depends on blissful sleep