Learning to Sleep, Again!

Ahh...the regeneration of energy that sleep brings when it is done right. As a child, I could sleep anywhere and through anything, as is, the Tv. Sleeping is pure bliss for me especially with my freaking OCDatic (my new word) mind. Sleeping gives my mind a break (aka "a vacation from my internal hell). At times i need to get away from myself.

Ever since I had Keven sleeping a full night is a rare occurrence. Since Jan 1 2011, I have slept a full night around 8 times in which the last 3 have been consecutive. It normally is 2-4 hours at a time. Just as my dad has done for years, I get up to use the computer, watch Tv or eat. So of course my days are exhausting, frustrating, and stressful. How can they not be with 2 kiddos? I was getting to the point of asking my doc for sleeping pills. However there was a simple answer I refused to except for a long time....getting rid of my security blanket (ok ok shutting the stupid tv off). As long as I can remember, I hated laying awake in a dark room with me, myself and I.

But now, a good happy day depends on blissful sleep

Paxil - My Saving Grace

Paxil seems to relieve my depression, obsessions and compulsions just a bit. I feel more relaxed and sane. Not so overwhelmed with sadness, stress, anxiety and doubt. It is still with me but I do not feel like I am on a cliff edge holding on for dear life trying not to fall into a panic attack.

Growing Out the Hair...Again!

You think I would learn but every 2-3 years I do the do' short. Never again was uttered back in February of 2008 after I did the inverted bob (aka A-line do'). It took no more than 10 minutes to make it look rather good and stylish. I completely believed that the A-line would be my new look for a year or two. Yeah...I was way off the mark on that one as usual. When I go short I always wind up hating it in a week or so because I feel self-conscious about my wide round face. It is not a good look for me. But being the compulsive person I am leads to things being done quickly without second thoughts. When I want change, change needs to happen today not tomorrow. So back in October of 2010 when the short hair idea popped up like a Jack-in-the-Box, without thought, I jumped like a jackass into the hairdresser chair...twice. The second time to make it shorter. What a horrible idea, I hated it from the beginning. So here we are in the midst of the growing out phase. I will let you know when I feel content.

Signs of Kinder Readiness

Let's just say I was NOT ready to register Isabel for Kindergarten today. Isabel will be entering Kindergarten 6 months earlier than Keven due to their birthdays. Even though Isabel is beginning to read, yearning to do homework, she is still in that 4 year old world sometimes. You know when the mind veers to the left and then veers to the right. Or one second she is a genius and the next second sheeeee isnot. Plus she is my baby girl...my last baby. With Keven it was much easier because I had Isabel.

My thoughts about Keven were so different in February prior to school starting that August.

Lo' and behold, Keven wanted to go to school yesterday and today. Plus he wanted to go on Friday and Saturday. He is also doing some homework during the week without the tantrums. I am so happy to finally see the eagerness.

And then there is my raging obsessive compulsive disorder at a time like this...

My anxiety. My stress. My worry. Getting them there continually M-F is going to be harder on me than them. One big uncontrolled environment. Obsessions come on in to the freaking mind of wonder, leading me to the the hell bound party of fun. Who sat in the desk last year? Who sat in the desk the previous 20 years? Is that good dirt or bad dirt? What jobs do the other parents have? Are they going to step on something bad? Will they be safe? Will someone kidnap them? Will they be happy? At any time during the school day will they have to pass a dumpster? Where did those dirt tracks come from? And so on.

Uhh...Is there a cure yet?